


Feline Frolics

by the_random_writer



Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
Genre: Cats, Insomnia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 11:22:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7101112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_random_writer/pseuds/the_random_writer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zane just wants to sleep, but Cricket has other ideas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feline Frolics

Zane blew out a weary sigh and squinted at the bedroom clock.

It was coming up on 2am, and three hours since they'd gone to bed, but he hadn't had a wink of sleep.

Unfortunately, on this particular occasion, he only had himself to blame. Nobody had forced him to drink that second cup of coffee. He'd enjoyed it immensely at the time, but in hindsight, it hadn't been a good idea. His bladder was coping very well, but his brain was giving him a world of grief. And at the rate his body seemed to be moving, he'd be lucky to flush the caffeine from his system before it was time to get out of bed.

Then again, it wasn't as if he had anything vitally important to do in the morning. He was supposed to open up the store at ten, but if he didn't make it there precisely on time, it wouldn't be the end of the world. And if push came to shove, the morning person half of the marriage could attend to the duty instead.

Zane didn't need to look behind him to know Ty was sound asleep. The ex-marine had switched off for the night almost as soon as he'd put his head down on the pillow, and hadn't so much as twitched since.

Fucker.

Zane sighed again, closed his eyes and tried to persuade his mental squirrels to take a relaxing break.

A gust of air brushed gently against his cheek.

Oh, God. He knew exactly what that gust meant.

He opened his eyes, just a crack, and sure enough, there was Cricket, sitting on his bedside table, her magnificently fuzzy tail coiled neatly around her paws.

"Wuh huh," the cat said, so quietly and so mournfully one could almost be forgiven for thinking she was slowly dying of neglect.

Fuck.

If his chances of getting to sleep had been distressingly slim before, they were almost non-existent now. He'd made the absolutely fatal error of allowing an attentive cat to discover he was wide awake. And if he was wide awake, why should he want to lounge in bed, when he could be dealing with more important matters, such as providing her with cuddles and hugs?

Zane resisted the urge to push Cricket onto the floor. He knew from several prior encounters that he would definitely win the battle, but absolutely lose the war. The kitty would grudgingly abandon her post, but simply find another louder and more annoying way to make her frustrations known.

He gave her a quick rub on the head, thinking maybe this would buy him peace. She butted her nose up into his palm, eagerly demanding more.

Then the purring started. He swore quietly and quickly withdrew the offending hand. That had been a bad move. Unlike her older brother, Cricket was _not_ a quiet purrer. And once she worked up a head of steam, only sleep, food, anger or panic had the capacity to make her stop.

He turned to face the other wall, hoping Cricket would tire of looking at the back of his head, take the hint and go away. But Ty had trained his kitties well. Which meant that picking up on a subtle hint was one of their least developed skills. Cricket knew fine well he wasn't asleep, no matter which side of the room he faced or what he did with his eyes. So it was only a matter of waiting him out, until he eventually lost the will to resist and crumbled like a shoddy wall.

The purring continued. If anything, the volume increased. Mother of God. How could something so small make such a terrible noise? Then he also heard a gentle tapping, and knew without looking that she was kneading the table with her claws. The claws that neither he or Ty had ever been able to clip without risking the loss of life or limb.

"Wuh huh," she said again. But her underlying tone had changed. She was no longer dying of neglect so much as righteous, vengeful indignation.

Zane held himself completely still, and silently recited a line from one of his favourite poems. _If once you have paid him the danegeld, you never get rid of the dane_. Except in this case, the dane was a goddamn fucking cat, and the danegeld she demanded was a never-ending round of cuddles. In some ways, it would be so much easier if Cricket was an actual Viking invader, and he could persuade her to go the fuck away by writing her a bloody cheque.

The vigorous purring suddenly stopped. Oh, thank fuck. Maybe for once, his hint had worked, and she had now decided to find an alternative source of entertainment. Jiminy was on the floor, curled up on Ty's abandoned jeans. Perhaps she was going to pound on her little brother instead.

Then Cricket grumfed, _very_ loudly, in a way that made it perfectly clear she had no intention of deserting Zane until she'd had her goddamn cuddle.

He speared the kitty's official owner with another malevolent glare, regrettably, to no avail. Ty continued in his peaceful slumber, unaware of the battle of wills taking place across the bed.

Cricket abandoned her bedside perch and sauntered slowly on to his pillow. For one brief but horrifying moment, Zane thought she intended to lie down around his head. But it was just another one of her devious tricks. After that momentary pause, she headed for the empty space between his pillow and Ty's. She obviously thought he couldn't ignore her for the rest of the night if she was literally staring him in the face.

Nuh uh. Not happening. Zane pulled his hand from under the quilt and gave her a gentle but insistent push, encouraging her to relocate slightly further down the bed. She grumfed again and furiously licked the spot where Zane had touched her on the back, as if trying to wash away the human stain.

Jesus. What a precious fucking princess.

The next phase of the assault began. The purring fired up again, even louder than before. As did the kneading, except now she was kneading something slightly more receptive to cats than the surface of a wooden table. He didn't know which noise was worse; the low, engine-like vibration or the ticky-tacky sound of her claws slowly piercing into the quilt.

And Ty wondered why he was more of a horse person. Sure, horses had just as many bad points as cats. They were expensive. They literally produced small mountains of crap. And they were sometimes extremely smelly. But at no time in his life to date had a horse ever tried to sleep on his head, torn a shower curtain to shreds or puked all over his favourite shoes.

Still vigorously purring and kneading, Cricket gradually moved in closer and closer, until she was looming right over his face. She brushed her whiskers along his cheek and gently snuffled at his hair. Which he grudgingly admitted was kind of cute. Then she emitted another indignant bleek, obviously not amused by his refusal to surrender to her demands.

Zane pulled back, wincing slightly, trying to escape from her fishy breath.

"Jesus Christ, cat, what the hell is that asshole husband of mine even feeding you?" he grouched, wrinkling his nose in distaste.

Cricket, having no opinion on this matter, simply blinked and stared.

A sliver of moonlight suddenly fell across the bed, bathing the dainty cat in an almost unearthly glow. Zane's resistance crumbled slightly. She might be extremely annoying, but she was also a stunningly beautiful pet. Smiling softly, he scratched her gently under the chin. She lifted her head and closed her eyes, graciously accepting his capitulation.

_Whoa there, Garrett_.

He gave the cat a reproachful stare and pulled his hand back under the quilt. "I'm not that easy, butt-head. You want any serious love from me, you need to buy me dinner first."

Cricket glared right back, then sniffed disdainfully and turned away. She moved a foot or so down the bed and made a very elaborate show of carefully deciding where she wanted to settle down. She circled once, twice, then three times, before plopping over onto her side with an almost seismic thump.

That was the moment Zane discovered Cricket wasn't planning to sleep. God forbid she should ever come onto their bed for the purpose of having a nap. Oh, no. That made far too much fucking sense. Especially at two o'clock in the fucking morning. According to her plum-sized brain, this was now the perfect time to clean herself from head to toe.

There was licking. Then some kind of peculiar sucking. Then more licking. Then chewing. With some grunting on top for good measure.

Zane pushed the covers down, propped himself up on his right arm and gave Cricket a murderous glare.

"How can you be so gorgeous but so fucking annoying at the same time?" he ground out through clenched teeth. Then again, she _was_ Ty's cat. So gorgeous but fucking annoying made absolutely perfect sense.

Cricket paused in her exertions, legs splayed and belly out, and answered his rhetorical question with a witheringly dismissive stare. Then she delicately cocked her leg and turned her attention from washing her stomach to the even more important business of thoroughly cleaning her butt.

Zane's tether ran out of slack. It was time to overthrow the feline dictator and re-establish human rule.

He slid his hand under the quilt and prodded Cricket from below, telling her to take a hike. She dug her claws into the cover, obviously determined to stand her ground. But after the eighth maddening poke in the butt, she realized it was time to abandon ship and find a more welcoming port. She scurried to the end of the bed, paused to expel a final, disapproving snort then jumped down onto the floor.

Peace and quiet was thus restored throughout the land, or at the very least, throughout the bed.

But only for a short time.

The cleaning routine was done, but now it was time for the exercise routine instead. Zane spent the next fifteen minutes listening to the sound of his husband's cat thundering back and forth along the hall, wailing like a banshee in heat every time she passed the door. Just as he reached the point of being ready to get out of bed to put her out on the back step, she conveniently ran out of juice and ground to a weary halt.

Zane craned his neck to look at the clock. Thirty minutes had passed since his last check, and he was still no closer to falling asleep. But if the feline nuisance had given up, perhaps he finally had a chance. He plumped his pillow into shape, burrowed under the warmth of the quilt and closed his exhausted eyes.

A gust of air brushed across the back of his neck.

"Wuh huh," Cricket complained, six inches behind his head. Having failed in her initial endeavour, she was back for a second attempt.

Zane suppressed the urge to cry. She wasn't even his goddamn cat, so why the hell was she bugging him? Shouldn't her beloved owner be listening to her demands instead?

Damn right he should.

He reached out across the bed and poked his slumbering husband viciously between the ribs, hard enough to leave a bruise.

Ty came instantly to life. He opened his eyes, sat up ramrod straight and scanned around the room for threats. It didn't take him long to realize he wasn't dealing with an intruder, but an angry and frustrated spouse.

"You poke me that hard, Garrett, you better be waking me for filthy sex," he grumbled, rubbing the sore spot on his chest.

"I'm too fucking tired for sex," Zane complained. "Filthy or otherwise."

Ty frowned. "You having trouble sleeping?"

"You could say that, yeah."

"I told you not to have that second cup of coffee," Ty said in a reproving tone.

Zane shook his head. "It's not the coffee."

"Well, if it's not the coffee, and you don't have a raging boner you need me to find a nice, warm home for, what the fuck is the problem?" Ty demanded irritably.

"It's your goddamn cat," Zane replied, gesturing towards the annoying feline, who was still sitting on his bedside table.

Ty smiled, rolled his eyes, held out his hand and made a clucking sound at the back of his throat. Cricket emitted an exultant chirp and bounded eagerly across the bed to receive an offering from her Favourite Human.

Ty swept the kitty into his arms. "What's the matter, baby girl?" he murmured as he nuzzled her tenderly on the head. "Is grumpy Zane being a big ole meanie again?"

Right. That was _it_. He'd had enough of this crap, and his patience was completely done.

Zane threw the covers back, picked up his expensive pillow, and with one final glare at the scornfully triumphant cat, stomped angrily out of the room.

"Where the hell are you going?" Ty called out after him.

"To sleep in the spare room," Zane shouted back on his way to the stairs. "With a chair wedged against the fucking door."

"Aww, c'mon, man," Ty cajoled from the comfort of the bed. "Don't be such a goddamn drama queen. You know she just wants to snuggle."

"Then she can damn well snuggle you," Zane hollered from the upper hall.

"And you have a serious nerve calling _me_ a drama queen. I'm not the one who refused to go into the bathroom yesterday morning until their husband scooped a spider out of the sink."

"That was a really big spider!"

"It was the size of a fucking quarter! The next time we're down in Texas, I'll show you what big looks like."

"Ooooooh, Lone Star," Ty drawled in a coquettish voice. "I bet you say that to _all_ the boys."

Zane snorted. He couldn't help himself.

"I heard that, babe," Ty called out. "I know you laughed."

"Did not."

"Did too."

Zane rolled his eyes. "Go fuck yourself, Grady," he shouted, but he smiled as he said it.

"Zane, don't you think you're being a _tiny_ bit ridiculous here?"

"Probably," Zane acknowledged. "But maybe that's because it's two fucking thirty in the morning, and I still haven't had any fucking sleep!"

A moment of silence. "If I shut the kitties out of the room, will you come back to bed?" Ty proposed.

"Maybe."

"How about if I give you a nice back rub as well?"

Zane huffed. "I don't need a goddamn back rub, Ty. I need to sleep."

"Okay." Another pause. "What if I rub something else instead?"

"That would definitely help."

"Jesus Christ, Garrett," he heard Ty mutter. "You're such a slut."

"You shut your whore mouth!"

"Hey, asshole, that's my line!" Ty protested.

"I’m stealing it. Get a new one!"

Another pause. Ty must really be thinking the problem through. "What if I open the store in the morning? Let you have a long lie to catch up on what you've missed?"

"Will you still shut the kitties out of the room?" Zane asked.

"If I have to, yeah."

"Will I still get my back rub?"

This time it was Ty's turn to snort. "Sure. And if you ask nicely, I'll use something better than my hands."

"Sorry, but _who's_ the slut here?"

"What can I say?" Ty shot back. "We were obviously made for each other."

Zane grinned in the dark. Wasn't that the truth? Then he frowned. "But I'm not coming downstairs until I see some proof," he said to his other half.

"What, that I'm a slut?"

"No, dumbass." As if he needed any proof of _that_. "That you've shut the kitties out of the room," Zane explained. "I'm not moving unti I see both of them out in the hall."

"Jesus, Zane. Seriously?"

"Uh huh."

"Christ," Ty muttered. "And you wonder why the Bureau never tapped you for the hostage negotiation team."

"I mean it, Ty," Zane thundered, his patience beginning to ebb.

"Okay, okay. Keep your panties on."

A few moments later, Jiminy and Cricket scurried through the bedroom door, their ears set to red alert. They noticed Zane slowly descending the upper stairs and wisely decided to beat a retreat to the safety of the main floor.

Ty stuck his head out into the hall. "You happy now, Lone Star?"

"Very," Zane replied as he padded towards his spouse, his orthopaedic pillow in hand.

Ty nodded. "Good. But if one of them takes a revenge dump on your fancy new boots by the end of the night, don't come crying to me, okay?"

Zane grunted, pushed past Ty into the room and threw himself onto the blissfully empty bed. He fluffed his pillow, yanked the quilt back into place, sighed quietly and settled in to finally earn some well-deserved and much-needed sleep.

"How about that back rub?" Ty whispered as he scooted across the bed to spoon his husband from behind.

"S'okay, doll," Zane mumbled back. "Don't think I'm actually gonna need it."

Shouting at Ty about the cats had obviously flushed out the rest of the coffee. Sleep was all he could think of now.

Ty pulled back, huffing loudly. "That's just great, Zane," he said tetchily. "You wake me up to complain that you can't sleep. Now you're falling asleep, and _I'm_ wide awake."

"Maybe you should go play with Cricket," was Zane's murmured advice.

"Well, I might just fucking do that."

"Great. Throw a ball for me, 'kay?"

Ty huffed again. "Maybe I'll take a revenge dump on your fancy new boots as well."

"S'nice dear. Remember to wipe."

"Bite me, Garrett."

"Later, doll. Tired."

And with that he was gone, into the peaceful land of dreams.

Ty, the cats and the fate of his new boots were a problem for another day.


End file.
